My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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