I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Randomize
