i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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