Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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