i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
