last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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