Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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