And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
