Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Randomize
