So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
