I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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