The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
