so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
