Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
