You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
