I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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