Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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