It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
