It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
