the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
