It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
