you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
