I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
