Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
