The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
