I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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