Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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