you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
