I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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