my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
