is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
