Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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