Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
