I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
