Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
