Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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