You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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