so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
