What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am available for nakedness
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
