I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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