How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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