I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
