I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
