she was so not down for the gang bang
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
