I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
