actually, I'm a sock model
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
