he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
