Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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