i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
