im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
