i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
