I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
my liver is dry heaving
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
