Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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