I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
